It’s no secret that the last 2 months have been… interesting? emotional? demanding? The old me would have said down right crappy. But that was before I had to worry about something we now call “personal brand”.
Let’s take a step back for a second. It’s not like I woke up on the wrong side of the bed one day and had a couple crappy days… It all started at the end of June when I was plagued with some serious neurological issues. There were hospital stays, CT scans, blood tests, neuro evaluations, an MRI and lots of doctor visits. For the first time in a long time I showed a not so happy side, and in my defense, I was scared out of my mind… It’s not every day you wake up with one whole side of your body feeling numb and hear things like “I think it could be X, but can’t give you the meds for that until after the MRI because it could cause a brain bleed”. I hope I never hear those words again! Almost everyone was very supportive. People offered to come to my house and clean, look after @kid_lotus or deliver meals, honestly I was overwhelmed. The kindness was refreshing. But one person DM’ed me and said I sounded like a hypochondriac and why was I “complaining” so much in public, going so far as saying “all I had were headaches anyway”.
As we tend to do, I listened to the negative comment and reverted to my shiny happy ways, all the while still feeling scared (I didn’t get the results from the MRI until much later and the symptoms eventually mostly subsided, and for now any serious outcomes have been ruled out).
Less than two weeks after my initial neurological episode I was given information that would force me to cancel my wedding. Fresh off the “you complain too much” comment and quite frankly, completely terrified of the reaction I might receive (I even briefly considered going through with the wedding to save myself the humiliation of having to tell everyone I wasn’t getting married), I handled that with minimal talk about it and once again reverted to my shiny happy self.
Next, 3 days before my 2 weeks vacation with @kid_lotus began, a very close friend had a major psychological breakdown. Police forces from 2 cities were called as well as other law enforcement entities, cops came to my office to take statements and it took a full day to locate my friend. Once found, this person was brought to a hospital until he could be committed to a mental hospital where he stayed for about 3 weeks. His stay there was a roller coaster ride at best with very little stability and watching him go through this experience was heart wrenching at best. As we were very close friends and his relationship with his family isn’t great, I ended up being the hub for all the information between friends/family /doctors. This continued while was on vacation – a cruise which having been booked prior to our engagement, but taking place just before the wedding was meant to be my honeymoon… I came back from my vacation just as tired as when I left, emotionally & psychologically drained. And yet – I tried to stay upbeat, and mostly succeeded.
And then, Trey Pennington took his own life. Trey was a well known social media personality. Liked, respected, prolific… His suicide touched the social media world and many have written about how they were affected and of their fond memories of Trey. How could someone with 111,301 followers not find the words to ask for help? And I thought of my friend (who at the time of Trey’s suicide was still in a locked psych ward) why had he not been able to ask for help? And then I thought of my own struggle of the past few weeks and how I had felt the need to not “complain” or open up and talk about how I was having a hard time dealing with everything that had just happened in the last few weeks… How I had kept my feelings under wraps for the sake of appearances. For the sake of my “personal brand”.
I wanted to do something about this, but I wasn’t sure what yet – and I wasn’t ready yet (and actually – I still haven’t quite figured out what to do or how – have any ideas?).
And then the morning of the #140ConfOnt (which, incidentally, I wasn’t going to attend) I got a call from my friend’s mom, which I missed so it went to voicemail. “Call me right away, this is an emergency.” My heart sank. My friend had been released on Monday and had had a rough first night home. During the day Tuesday a few of us had talked to him throughout the day, but after Tuesday evening no one had heard from him. Wednesday morning a friend found him in his apartment, with very weak vitals after he had ingested all his meds… (he is now fine and once again in a locked psych ward, where they will once again attempt to help him). After speaking with his mom to get this unfortunate update, I decided to attend the #140ConfOnt. If nothing else, I figured all the hugging I had been hearing about would be worth the trip…
But now I was starting to feel like, more than ever, I needed to be able to rely on my tweeps, to open and connect and receive support from others who might be able to relate and that I needed to be human more than I needed to be a brand.
And this is where things come full circle….
I didn’t know why I had taken to twitter in the first place when I was faced with neurological issues, or rather I didn’t have a name for it… But after #140ConfOnt – and thanks to Lara Galloway (@mombizcoach – www.mombizacademy.com) I know it was the comfort of tapping into the “me too” community. The comfort of knowing others had gone through the same thing and lived to tell the tale and that they knew what I was going through and how scared I might be. (and side note: It is astounding the number of people with neurological issues in Ottawa and how long the waits are for MRIs…) And the “me too” community can apply to so many more things than health issues. I am sure lot of you have seen the #zombiemoms hashtag and if you’re unluck and suffer from insomnia, you know there are many of us who do and we all commiserate together…
And then came the talk from Chris Eh Young (@chris_eh_young – www.b2cy.com). His talk was very honest and warned about the dangers of social media and of our “public personalities” and how we are quick to share and celebrate successes but sometimes shy away from asking for help, or talking about our struggles. How we try and attain goals that have seen others achieve, without really asking ourselves if they are right for us, or outright comparing ourselves to others, while trying to be someone we’re not…
Scott Stratten touched on the dangers of setting ourselves up for unrealistic expectations. He shared how someone tweeted a question to him and after not receiving an answer four hours later, the person called him a fraud because he wasn’t @ replying as he advocates in his book. Of course this person failed to realize that he had sent these tweets from a different time zone, and that Scott would have more likely than not been sleeping in the time frame he sent the tweets. When did it become ok for other people to have such high expectations of us and to so blatantly judge?
Back to Chris, who wrote about the face of public here as well.
So we succeed in public.
Then we suffer in solitude.
Why is that? And why is it that in a world that is so connected, all the time, some suffer so much that they are driven to take their own lives. And more importantly, what can we do so that this no longer happens?
So next time you ask how I am doing, I may try a new approach: the truth, because everybody hurts, sometimes. And I hope that when I do, you will remember that I am a human – not just a “personal brand”.
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So amazingly well said. I didn’t know you were no longer getting married, I’m so sorry to hear that. I’m sorry that you also felt that you had to go through this and your medical issues alone. Yes, there will always be a few people who will judge negativity, who will complain about people who complain…they’re not your real friends.
You’ve built real relationships on twitter that matter, and those people care about what you’re going through…and will give you an ear, a coffee date, or even a private dm session when you need it the most.
From what I can tell, there were a lot of revelations at the #140confont that happened, I’m sorry I missed it, but I’m glad it did something amazing for you.
#140ConfOnt was amazing and just what the doctor ordered “so to speak”. I just needed to be surrounded by caring people… Thank you for the comment :)
oh you! you! You’ve had such a year. im sorry that so many episodes have interjected their way into your story. I know you’ll stay positive and attract positive things. You are one tough mama, which you’ve proven again & again..
it was good to catch up this week! see you at blissdom soon!!
xo
I usually land on my feet, I have to say this yer has been kicking my butt a little. I was very grateful for the fantastic day yesterday. And I can’t wait to see you at Blissdom Canada! (which reminds me I still need a costume!) xo
I’m so glad you are so strong. I feel so thankful for the connections we keep having.
I am very thankful for you as well. Can’t wait to see you again in a few weeks xo
I’m not sure when stating facts about what is happening in your life and expressing your feelings about them became so negative. I think about all the personal tragedies that I’ve seen people tweet about and I admire their courage to share these intimacies and risk the criticism that always seems to accompany the support. I know it seems to some that there is narcissism at the root of this, but I think that’s an incredibly narrow point of view. For some of us, this is a true support system. We have made genuine and lasting friendships. Our community isn’t defined by the roads and buildings nearby – it’s expanded to include people all over the world. And if those are true and lasting connections, why shouldn’t we reach out to those people when we need help? That’s what we do with our friends who are nearby. I think this is a great post – one that I hope will take us further in the direction of changing the way people think about the importance of asking for help. Because we all need it from time to time.
I agree. Asking for help shouldn’t be considered a sign of weakness, it should be considered a sign that you know your limits and you know when you have reached them! I will be chatting about this a lot more in the coming posts. Thank you for your comment xo
What? Admit that you need help in this enlightened age of conquer-all, never-give-up, independence and The Secret? Who would have thought?
I “would have thought” because I am in a similar place every damn day. You are certainly not alone. Far from it. Slowly I am coming to believe there are two types of people… Those with a mental illness/issue and those who are in complete denial. Those of us with such issues fall into a couple of camps… Those who are seeking help in one way or another (meds, pshrinks, therapy, self-help, Twitter) and those who bury it, toughen up a plow through. I am awfully frickin’ glad I am in the “getting help” camp (meds, therapy and more often Twitter). Getting help saved my marriage and my relationship with my two girls.
I may not always be on the end of the screen when you call out. Sorry, just being honest because I am not glued to a screen and I miss a lot. I am VERY glad I didn’t miss this post.
Be well!
Thank you so much for your comment! It’s funny the flip side of reaching out on Twitter really is that you can’t always expect someone to reply. Because you truly never know who is at the other end at any given moment. So when there is no reply, you can’t take it personally and the next step is to reach out to someone directly… If you ever need anything, I am easily reached as well :)
Thanks Stephanie. As we discussed early in the day before I went on, there was a topic that needed to be discussed but wasn’t. I am glad that so much conversation has begun because of the conference and I really hope that continues.
It’s bittersweet to hear everyone tell me how they relate.
Keep your chin up and stay strong but don’t feel like you have to be when you’re not. Feel free to reach out whenever you need to.
If you need someone to talk to, i’m always around somewhere online.
I love that your talk is starting this conversation. I also love that someone like Scott talked about this as well. There are no super heroes and we all have our limits and these may be different from one person to the next – we need to stop imposing such high expectations on each other. I really hope the conversation keeps going for some time. Thank you for being you and thank you for the offer :)
Speaking out on personal issues is always a difficult thing to do, even among trusted friends and family. If you do decide to speak out, you may find that there are those who will respect that or will be inspired by you to seek help themselves. No matter how negative you may sound at the time, it is possible that it may bring positive results.
Too many people seem to think that mental and physical health issues are somehow shameful or embarrassing and that stress is something to be endured irregardless of circumstance. You rarely see honest discussion on these issues unless you go looking for them.
I’m not saying that you *should* talk about everything, only that you shouldn’t feel bad about it if you do and someone doesn’t like it. To cover up and feel sorry for their embarrassment over your life is not healthy.
I definitely think there is a time, and a way to discuss the more delicate issues. But I think that never admitting to failure or trying to measure up to others is sure to have only one result and it’s not a good one. I am hoping that people start seeing that everyone is human and everyone is allowed to have an off day. And perhaps to be a little more mindful when someone seems to be having more bad days than good and offers an ear or a shoulder…
My beautiful friend,
I have written and rewritten my response to this post 3 times and I’ve come to the conclusion that the only thing I really want to add is thank you. Thank you for being my friend. Thank you for coming to the 140 Conference. And thank you for being the incredibly loving soul that you are. Don’t ever change.
See you again in a month!
Julia
Dear Julia… I am reading this at the end of an incredible day for me, and your lovely note is bringing tears to my eyes. I will never forget that you were one of the people who actually picked up a phone when I needed support – such a seldom act these days. Thank YOU for being such a thoughtful friend and a force to be reckoned with. Congrats on pulling off such a fantastically successful event, you sparkled and glowed all day and your energy was infectious! Looking forward to seeing you again soon xo
Just wanted to say that you are AMAZING!!! I am so PROUD of you & so HAPPY that we finally met & connected at #140confONT. See you at Blissdom!! xxx <3
Thanks Deb, this means a lot. So happy we finally met and looking forward to spending more time together in less than a month! xo
It was so wonderful meeting you at #140confONT and I’m so glad that you came to the event, otherwise we would never have met and had the opportunity to sit for a few minutes and enjoy lunch together.
Thanks for the honesty in your post and for reminding us all to be ourselves no matter what! I hope the upcoming Fall season, which begins with gorgeous and inspiring colours, marks the beginning of a positive, uplifting and healthy rest of the year for you, your family and friends.
What a lovely comment. I loved meeting you as well. #140ConfOnt was such an amazing experience. Rarely are you with that many passionate do-gooders at once, hard not to be inspired!
[...] was inspired to write a little about my experiences after reading Stephanie’s post Everybody Hurts… sometimes, and by Michael Landsbergs blog post about Wade Belak’s [...]
just want to say well written post. . i really enjoyed reading it.
I can say “me too” when reading about your symptoms. my husband has been having a lot of the same symptoms for the last year and all they say it is is stress. its very frustrating.. so just wanted to say “me too.” *hugs*
Are these the neurological symptoms you are speaking of? It would appear that mine were brought on by stress as well I believe… Follow-up visit with the neurologist soon. Stay strong!
Trey Pennington’s death is very sad (just like anyone’s death). I have been thinking about the topics you raise in this post as well as the many posts related to Trey’s death. I almost have to wonder if the pressure of living up to an online persona might contribute negatively to someone’s mental heath during stressful life events. Trey depended on his social media footprint to pay his bills, so it is natural that he might not want to risk that footprint by exposing a vulnerable or “unstable” side. I haven’t come to any answers on this topic, but it really has given me pause. Thanks for this post and I really hope that your friend is able to find an effective treatment program. (Also, that person who DM’d you is a jerk.)
Thanks for your comment Julie. I understand that there is a fine line… And I work in communications, so I also understand the importance of being professional and demonstrating that you can perform your duties, even under pressure. I guess I just wish we could all be tolerant and try and help each other out and remember that sometimes life is a little harder than other times and that we need a helping hand. And that recognizing that and asking for that help is actually a sign that we are on top of things… Of course – you actually have to ask for help, not just vaguely hint at unhappiness, because no one is a mind reader either…
This is awesome! So true for so many of us! Breaking down the wall of fear to allow yourself to talk to others is hard, but so worth the relief you feel afterwards. Thank you for this!!
Thanks for the comment Brianne! I really enjoyed your talk and I hope next time ou find yourself entering a tweet-up you will quiet your fear and go talk to people because you have a beautiful story to share. I hope we meet again soon.
Stephanie,
Thank you for sharing this with us, it was so wonderful meeting you finally. You are such a beautiful person and you are right, too many of us keep things to underwraps because of the fear if what it will bring to our ‘personal” brand.
#140ConfONT helped start the discussion, I hope it keeps going as well.
Loooking forward to seeing you at Blissdom!
Thanks Rosanna. Looking forward to seeing you again. I feel very lucky that the #140Conf family adopted me :)
I can’t speak for others, with regards to their reasons for not sharing the tough times online. For me, however, there are several reasons why I often hesitate. First, my rough times are often related to other people — a friend who has upset me, a client who wasn’t happy with my work or who I felt treated me unfairly, a disagreement with my husband, or challenges my kids are facing. Because my timeline is public and because you never know who is reading along (think of CocktailDeeva’s “strangers in my stream” talk), I do hesitate to share those tough times. I’ve thought of leaving it somewhat obscure, but then I always worry that someone I am not talking about will think I’m talking about them, which would make things even worse than actually naming the person/situation that upset me.
So then I need to decide who to contact privately, and then I end up putting my personal needs on one person specifically (or a handful of them), rather than leaving it up to others to decide who wants to chime in and offer support.
In the last few months I have contemplated writing on an anonymous blog at least a hundred times… Thing is I like talking to you guys after and hear what you have to say and keep the conversation going… I think there is a difference with saying you are having a crappy day and saying “so and so is such a xyz”… But i can totally see where you are coming from… As for putting the burden on one person, as a person who has bitched for a whole lunch hour sitting across the table from you, I think sometimes we just have to open ourselves up and hope that the person can be open and receptive to our needs… Otherwise, what are friends for?
Thanks for such a great post. Talking about personal issues on social media has always been a topic I’ve struggled with as I have a hard time not being “me” in real life or online. I’ve also struggled with creating an online presence for myself as a result. I’m sorry to hear that you’ve been having a bad two months. Good vibes have been sent your way via my heart. <3
P.S. I found you via the post on Amy's blog (http://www.amyboughner.ca/?p=1662)
Thanks for the comment! The one thing I have hear a lot over the last few weeks when I doubt that I have made the right choices in what I have posted is that people like reading me or following me because what I say on-line is exactly what I would say to you in person. I think that is very true. If I meet you and you aren’t who I thought you were, I will feel duped. So for me that means sharing my good times and bad times with all of you :)
I love that you wrote this. I am one of those people who only really shares positive stuff (even on #zombiemoms, I try to keep it light). I don’t want to be perceived as a whiner. In fact, this is what all but killed my blog. I had a really rough pregnancy – instead of talking about it online, I hardly ever talked about it. I didn’t even mentioned I was pregnant until I was almost half-way through. I wasn’t inspired to write any positive stuff, so I ended up hardly writing at all.
I could have used the support. I could have used the ‘me too’ community. Instead, I simply withdrew and didn’t talk about it at all.
Thankfully, I have a healthy 4 month old now.
This post made me think and made me wonder what good that did me…to be ‘in keeping’ with my “brand”…whatever that is.
I know… this whole personal brand thing is funny. If we are keeping a shiny happy FACADE all the time, how is that authentic and real. If your personal brand is based on keeping up appearances, how is that sustainable. Of course it is harder when whatever you are going through drags on for months at a time, but maybe reaching out and having that “me too” community would have given you that support to start finding some happy moments in the hard times you were facing because you knew that you weren’t alone and that if others had made it through their dark times, you would make it through yours….
You’re a brilliant person who’s had it – YEAH – REALLY CRAPPY for a few months, and I for one don’t want you to pretend otherwise for one more second. Let’s truth be your brand, girl.
And also? Me too.
Thank you Morgan for your comments and I am really sorry you are going through a hard time. I hope you know you can email or contact me if you want to talk! God knows I have shared a lot with my friends and it does really help. Hang in there.
Stephanie,
I am so touched by your post. You talk about how scared you were to share these experiences. You lightly explain the chain of events that have caused your life to be far from normal recently. Having shared all of this and being willing to just open yourself up to whatever people will say about it is an act of extreme courage. I see a woman I can relate to, a woman who is an amazing human and friend to others, an amazing mom. Your acceptance of yourself and the stuff that has scared the heck out of you makes you seem even stronger to me. Thank you for sharing it! Hugs to you!
Yowzers, thank you Lara for that beautiful comment. I have heard so many times over the last few months that I am a strong woman. And although I know that and I feel lucky that I am, I have no idea how I would have survived the last few months if I wasn’t, sometimes I wish I didn’t have to be… And in those moments, isn’t it nice to know that I can relate to others on a human level and not as a brand :)
Upon reading your post, I am really annoyed. I am annoyed that someone had the nerve to DM you like that… no one can tell you how you should feel and what you should say on Twitter. Steph, you are an amazing person and one of the most positive people I know. The beauty of Twitter is that you are free to follow the people that you can relate, inspire, love… and over time if you feel there is no longer a connection, then you have the power click that unfollow button.
Twitter is our space, brand or not, it is not up to us who follows us. I just think it is so wrong to tell someone on Twitter how they should portray themselves in their tweets. It’s like having someone stand next to you at a party and whispering in your ear what you should be saying out loud to your friends. If your brand includes telling people that you are having a crappy day once in a while then so be it. Right now my brand includes being annoyed by people on Twitter (and life in general) overstepping their boundaries and not realizing that Twitter is for sharing and exploring, NOT controlling one’s thoughts.
Oh and one more thing… your post? I am so glad that you wrote it and shared it :) Take care my friend.
Thanks Krista. I had struggled with these thoughts for a few weeks at least… I also worried the person would recognize themselves… But it needed to be said and I am so glad that I am not the only one who thinks along these lines! Can’t wait to see you my friend :)
[...] Jenni’s post there was one from @fleur_de_lotus - Stéphanie Montreuil, and her post: Everybody Hurts… sometimes. The topic of why do we not ask for help or speak the truth in public. Many have taken their lives [...]
As a blogger who has been told I “over-share” I just love this piece! I am not a brand, I am a person with very real emotions and trial and tribulations. I feel like while social media and technology keeps us connected 24/7 that the connections are often not very deep. Sometimes you need to share just to let whatever it is that is bugging you go. I am fond of saying I am a messy person and I have no qualms about sharing that.
Thank you so much for sharing. I have been struggling with very similar things-when I am having a struggle, it’s hard to put myself “out there” I keep telling myself that I am what I am and I shouldn’t feel uncomfortable or afraid to share about my life, good-bad-or-indifferent, struggles as well as triumphs. I have political views that rub people the wrong way, I do NOT live a conventional life, like the stereo-typical soccer Mom. I am disabled, cannot work outside the home (but I work harder at home for my family than I have ever worked outside the home-and I worked pretty hard out there-til I couldn’t.)
Sorry to go on and on, but I know the people out there, trolls, judgmental folks that think they have it all together that attack people for merely being honest and real online. It’s frustrating. I need to link up with like minded people. Anyone wanting to follow me on twitter, @frugalandfree is where I can be found.
Thank you so much for sharing. I really needed to read your gem today. :-)
Michelle
You’re braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. Christopher Robin to Winnie the Pooh or Chris Eh Young to Stephanie.
Congrats on making the Blogher home page.